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Another Rude Joke Book

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money, so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, a football pitch, tennis court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and designed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time...  

An expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make was walking down the high street one day and happened to look into a record shop. In the window was a new record which had all the sounds of European wasps on it. He thought "I must have that," so he went into the shop and asked if he could listen to a few minutes of the record. The assistant put it on and told him to go into a booth. The expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make listened to the record and came out shaking his head. He said "I don't recognize any of the sounds on that record and I am an expert on the sounds that wasps make." The assistant said "I'll play a few more minutes of it." After a few more minutes the expert came out and said "I'm an an expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make but I don't recognize anything on that record."
The assistant looked at the record and then exclaimed, "I'm sorry, I have been playing you the Bee side."

A man goes to his doctor with his knee and the Doctor examines the knee and hears a little voice that says, "Can you lend me £50 mate?"
The Doctor scratches his head and says "This is serious."
The man says to the Doctor, "That is nothing have a listen to my ankle Doc."
So the Doctor bends down and examines the man's ankle and hears another little voice that says, "Can you lend me £100 mate?"
The man asks the Doctor what is causing it and the Doctor replies, "This is most serious, I think that your leg is broke in two places." 

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the papers, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
The widow replied, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabels ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A priest was driving down the road one day when he saw a nun walking along. The priest stopped and asked the nun is she would like a lift. The nun said she would and climbed into the car revealing a shapely thigh as she sat down . The priest couldn't resist and placed his hand gently on her thigh. The nun exclaimed, "Father remember Psalm 127."
The priest apologized and quickly removed his hand. A few minutes later he slid his hand onto the nuns thigh again. The nun said, "Father remember Psalm 127."
Again the priest removed his hand and apologized. When the car stopped at its destination and the nun got out she looked back wistfully and said "Father remember Psalm 127."
The priest rushed home and looked up Psalm 127. When he read it, it said, "Go forth and explore and you shall be rewarded in the kingdom of heaven."