A Few Darts Jokes

Be Warned Some Of These Jokes Are A Little Bit Rude!

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first. He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo.'
He said, 'You're closest.'

Fred and Steve sitting around one afternoon having a beer. After a while Steve says, "If I were to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were off darting, she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
Fred crooked his head sideways for a minute, stroked his bow and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally he says, "Well, I don’t know about being related, but it would make us even!!"

A middle aged man and his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young lady enquires about the room. The wife explains that because it is such an old terraced house there is no bath in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the fire in the living room. The young lady says, “It would be nice to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what about your husband?”
The wife replies, “If you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening it will be fine because he always goes out to a darts match from about 7 O’clock ‘till after 11pm.”
“OK,” the girl says.
The next night is a Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When she undresses ready to get in the bath she notices the wife staring at her naked body. The wife realises what she is doing and exclaims, “Sorry but you have got no hair down below.”
“I’m a model, so I have to shave it off otherwise it would show through skimpy underwear and so on.”
Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband about the young lady having no pubic hair. “It must look very strange and unnatural,” says the husband. “You must be making it up. No one would shave down there.”
“I could leave the leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you could peep through and see for your self next time she has a bath,” says the wife. So the following Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife sees some eyes peering through the top of the window. The model is facing the window so the wife points and then lifts her skirt up and points at her own thick bushy pubic hair. Later that night in bed she is talking to her husband and he asks her, “Why did you lift your skirt up and show everything?”
“Just so that you could compare, you must have seen me a thousand times naked, why are you bothered?”
“I have, but the darts team have not.”

Notice Seen In The Green Man Milwich

ORDERING DRINKS

1. Please remember to order one drink at a time. We like to run backwards and forwards. It keeps us fit.

2. When ordering a round please make sure you don’t know what you want when you arrive at the bar, we like to stand and wait while you nip backwards and forwards or you shout across the room to find out, although we do generally find that the other people standing at the bar have been waiting “half an hour” and may start moaning; not your problem.

3. Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We’ll still be waiting, we’re not going anywhere and we’d appreciate the rest.

4. Always order Guiness last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all your other drinks while it settles and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up.

5. Never put the money in our hands, we like to pick it up off the bar, especially if it is all change, and in a puddle of beer.

6. Never say “please” or “thank you” it only irritates us.

7. Always wait until you have been told how much the round is before asking for crisps, snacks etc. (When requiring ready-salted crisps please ensure you ask for the full range of flavours available before asking for “plain,” it helps us to learn the stock.

8. When buying a pint for “Bert,” “Tom,” etc, please don’t ask them what they want. Just tell us their name or show us where they are standing because we like to guess and get such a thrill when we get it right.

9. If, upon arriving at the bar, there are people waiting before you, shout up before them. We like to be abused by people who think that they have been served out of turn and it’s usually our own fault. We have the ability to keep track of people as they arrive at the bar, particularly on busy nights, so why not use it.

10. If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes then please heckle us and tell us that you have been waiting for at least half an hour. It keeps us on our toes and we have no idea of the concept of time.

11. Can we remind you that the bell is just to make sure you’re awake, we don’t want you to come to the bar for last orders until ten minutes after, when we have turned the lights off.

12. Don’t forget to drop crisps/peanuts etc on the floor. It gives the place character and we have to keep Rod employed.  

To visit the Green Man's own web-site click here.

A research program has just been completed into the contents of a pint of beer and it has been discovered that all beer contains female hormones. This of course explains why after 10 pints of beer you talk a load of nonsense and can't throw a dart straight!

I was at a darts match the other week when one of the older players suddenly developed cramp in his leg and started going Ooh Agh Ooh. He tried rubbing it but he could not get down to do it properly so the pretty barmaid took pity on him and came out from behind the bar and started to rub his leg and massaging it. Within a few seconds both teams started limping and going Ooh Agh Ooh all round the bar. Who says darts players aren't sharp!

Double Entendré

When I was at darts the other week Young Lizzie asked me if I had got any new shafts with me. I had, so I fetched them out of the car and she selected a couple of sets of metal shafts. Lizzie had trouble getting them in her darts and got one cross threaded. I offered to put them in for her and said out loud, “Lizzie, you can’t screw straight. You have put my shaft in all crooked.” Everybody laughed.
I cut my finger on the chewed up metal thread as I removed it and then said, “Look I have cut my finger getting my shaft out.” Again everybody laughed at me. Then I handed the darts back to her and she tried to insert the flights.
“Alan, I can’t get these flights in your shaft, it’s too tight.” This time they laughed at Lizzie and then somebody said, “Push the point of another dart down his shaft.” Painful. Eventually the flights were pushed into place and we started the match with me dripping blood, from my gashed finger, I hasten to add.

A young man plays a game of darts who has never played before. His first dart hits the double 20. He throws another and hits double 20 again but the third dart bounces out and hits a nun who is watching the game. The dart hits her smack between the eyes and kills her stone dead. The marker calls out “One dead nun and eighty.”  

I know a young lad who plays darts and is not very good. Of course he is at a disadvantage to every body else because while most people throw from 7 feet 9 1/4 inches he throws from about 10 feet. He doesn't want to but he has size 15 feet! Give him a red nose and he would pass for a clown. Still I suppose he saves money on winter holidays as he would not need to hire skis.

I was at a match the other night and was in a rough pub when a middle aged couple came in and saw the darts match going on. The man said "Lets watch the professionals playing darts."

I replied "We are not pro's but a lot of the women watching this game are." I left soon after that comment!

A man goes into a strange pub and starts chatting to some of the local darts players when they ask him if he wants a game. He says "I have never played a game of darts before but I will give it a go if you tell me what to do."

After playing for about an hour he has not lost a single game and has hit some fantastic shots. One of the players says to him "I thought you had never played before?"

The man replies "No I haven't, but there are a lot of flies in my flat and I have got some old darts which I throw at them and pin them to the wall."

"No wonder you are so good then if you can do that. But doesn't it make a mess on the wall?"

"Not really" replies the man "Because I only pin them by their back legs."

Rules Of The Bar (As seen in a local pub)

1.     The keeper of the bar is always right – if in doubt you have had too much.

2.     The bar keeper deserves a pint for serving a person like you.

3.     Men drinking foreign beer must sit alone near an open window.

4.     If you can’t find what you came for – she is probably working elsewhere.

5.     There will be free drinks for ALL tomorrow.

6.     There will be no remarks about the water content of the beer or the floating flies – they are full of vitamins.

7.     Please help maintain our high standards and don’t come here again.

8.     Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor as they burn our customers who leave on their hands and knees.