rude jokes 

Sign seen in a child friendly pub;-

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 
'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? 
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' 
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. 
Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited 'til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven... 
... you're singing it now, aren't you…?

These Are A Couple Of Very Old Jokes From A Time Gone By. They Were Found In A Bundle Of Papers From Some 50 Years Ago.

Medical Advise by telephone;-

Patients Husband ……….Is that Dr Smith speaking?
Doctor ………………….Yes.
Patients Husband ………. My wife is very ill. She seems to be run down. What would you advise me to do for her?
At this point the telephone operator cut off the Doctor and connected the husband to a locomotive engineer who was giving instructions to an engine driver.
Locomotive Engineer ……Draw off her water and give her time to cool. Take off her jacket and feel her bottom. Blow her flue and get her hot again. Then try her with a bit of grease and a 9 inch rod. Keeping her in good time, soak it in her a few times to loosen her nuts until she blows off. Then try her backwards and if she is no better let some other chap have a go at her.
Patients Husband ……….Thank you Doctor.

The Housing Problem.

A young married couple went to view a house in the country and on their return they suddenly remembered that they had not noticed where the W.C. was. They wrote to the Vicar who had shown them over the house asking him if he knew where it was. The Vicar being ignorant of the term W.C. thought they meant Weslyan Chapel. Imagine their surprise when they received the following reply;-

Dear Sir
I regret to inform you that the nearest W.C. in the area is 5 miles away from the house. This is rather unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly, however it may interest you to know that many people take their lunch and make a day of it. By the way it is built to accommodate 1,000 people and it has been renovated to replace the wooden seats with plush ones to ensure greater comfort for those who have to sit a long time before the proceedings begin. Those who can find the time, walk, others go by train and get there just in time.
I myself never go. There are special facilities for the Ladies presided over by the minister who gives them every assistance they need. The children sit together during the proceedings. The last time my wife went she had to stand all the time. I will close now, hoping this will be if use to you. Trusting you will be able to go regularly.

Yours Faithfully
Vicar

P.S. Hymn sheets are to be found behind the door. Both sides can be used, but please hang them up again after use.