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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce.

When standing on some scales - if one stands on tiptoe placing all the weight towards the front of the scales, there can be a difference of about 3 pounds. RESULT!!! 

It is better to find your son a sponge to wash his car with than ;leave him to his own devise to find an alternative in the airing cupboard.

A diplomat is a man who remembers a woman's birthday, but never her age.
Robert Frost.

I was watching sumo wrestling on the television for two hours before I realised it was darts.
Hattie Hayridge.

The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip.
John Cleese

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome.

Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman’s sex drive by 100 per cent. Wedding cake.
Jim Davidson.

For our wedding anniversary I took my wife to the pub. She told me I should buy something for the house so I did – a round of drinks.
Benny Hill.

I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
Victoria Wood.

You haven’t drunk too much wine if you can still lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin.

In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought ...... I must put a roof on this lavatory.
Les Dawson.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Homer Simpson

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.
Oscar Wilde.

Growing old is compulsory, growing up is optional.
Bob Monkhouse.

Wine improves with age. The older I get the better I like it.

I’ve always fancied being a monk – drinking mead, tending gardens and making honey.
Vic Reeves

And A Few More Thoughts; -

Would you like to speak to the man in charge or the woman who knows what is happening?

When I married Mr Right I didn’t know his first name was “Always!”

If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we put them all there?

My husband always gives me sound advice. 99% “Sound” and 1% “Advice!”

Marriage is a relationship when one person is always right and the other is the husband!

All women become like their mothers - that is their tragedy. No man does - that is his!

The more one gets to know about men, the more one values dogs!