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A teacher goes to a barbers for a hair cut and after his hair has been neatly trimmed the man asks how much he owes the barber. The barber replies, "It's free this week because I am doing community service" The teacher goes away very happy and the next day when the barber opens up his shop he finds some books on his step neatly tied up with ribbon. "How to build a better business," "Investing for your future," and "Accounting made simple for small businesses." The barber smiles and opens up his shop. The first customer is a local florist. the barber cuts his hair and tells the man that there is no charge because he is doing community service for the week. The florist goes away very happy and the next morning the barber goes to open his shop and as soon as he gets inside a big bouquet of flowers arrives with a thank you note. The barber smiles to himself and starts his day. The first customer owns the local sweet shop and after the barber has cut his hair he tells him that the hair cut is free because he is putting a little back into the community. Later that day a big box of chocolate arrives with a thank you note attached. The last customer of the day is a politician. The barber cuts his hair and tells him that it is free and the politician goes away very happy. The next morning the barber arrives to open his shop and there are 6 more politicians waiting to have their hair cut.

Barnyard Sleep

A scientist, a salesman, and a politician are driving along the countryside, and decide to spend the night in a small inn. "I only have two free beds, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," says the innkeeper. The scientist volunteers to do so and makes his way out to the yard. A short time later, when the others have settled into their beds, the scientist knocks on the door. "There's a cow in the barn. I'm Hindu and it is against my religion to sleep next to a sacred animal." So the salesman says, "Okay, I'll sleep out there then." He gathers up his blankets and heads to the shed. A few seconds later he is back, saying, "There's a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish and it would offend me to sleep next to an unclean animal." So the politician is sent to the barn. A minute later there is knocking again, only this time much louder. The scientist and salesman open the door and see that it's the cow and the pig.

 

False Teeth

A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local business dinner rushed out the door so fast he forgot to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time for him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him - "I can't do this, I forgot my false teeth."
The guy looks at him and says -"sure you can-try these", and he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pair of false teeth.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man reaches again then says, "I have another pair...try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
"Ok," the guy says, "I have one more pair...try these."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!"
With that, he gave a thundering speech. After the speech, he went back to his table to eat his dinner and thank the new found friend that just saved him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid," said the dinner speaker...."Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
"Dentist? replies the guy...I'm no Dentist...I'm the local undertaker!"

Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers an toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

St. Peter

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Book to see if the guy's name there. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was certain that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Peter says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm., well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of bikers harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them about to rape this poor girl.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-5, 280 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, truly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"Oh, about three minutes ago."

 

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, one bag of French fries and a one drink. 
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. 
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. 
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' 
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. 
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'  She answered
'THE TEETH.'

A man is in a pub having a drink and talking to the landlord when the landlord says to him “I have got a talking dog over there.”
The man says “Where is he? I must see this.”
“He is over there lying by the fire” Replies the landlord.

The man walks over to the dog and says “I hear you can talk.”
“Yes” Replies the dog . “Do you want to hear my life story?”
“Certainly” Says the man sitting down in a chair by the hearth.
The dog starts “Up until I was 6 months old I was a family pet and then I was sent to the police force to train as a police dog. I caught lots of criminals and helped keep order when there were football riots. After a couple of years I was seconded into the drug squad where I was trained as a sniffer dog to search out drugs at airports. I made many finds of drugs and stayed with the squad for two years before being sent to the bomb squad. Here I was used to search out explosives in Northern Ireland in a fight against the terrorists. I was caught up in small blast and was pensioned out of the army. Then when I was recovered I worked as a rescue dog searching out people buried in earthquakes for 3 years. Now I am fully retired and live here.”
“That’s an amazing story” says the man, turning to the landlord. “Will you sell him to me?”
The landlord replies “You can have him for a tenner if you like.”
The man says “Why only a tenner? He must be worth a fortune with a story like that.”
The landlord says “That story he told is completely untrue. Its all lies. He is a terrible liar. I don’t want him.”

A little girl gets a splinter in her finger and she asks her mother for a glass of cider. Her mother does not understand why she wants the cider and asks her to explain. The little girl says “My big sister says when she gets a prick in her hand she likes to put it inside her.”

 

  When I was 18 I used to buy a six pack of condoms, 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday. When I was 30 I used to buy a triple pack, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. Now I am married I buy a twelve pack, one for January, one for February, one for March………………

 

A man is driving down the road when he hits a hare killing it. He gets out of the car and stands there looking at it trying to make up his mind what to do with it when another car stops and a man gets out. He asks what has happened and is told about the dead hare. He says “I’ve got just the thing for it” and takes a bottle out of his pocket. He rubs some of the liquid from the bottle on the hare and it gets up and runs away. The first man says “That’s marvellous , what is it?”
The second man replies “It’s hair restorer.”

Have you heard about the two old ladies who were walking through the park the other night? A flasher jumped out on them, opened his coat and showed them all his manly charms. The one old lady had a stroke, she was alright though. The other old lady was a bit upset……………because she couldn’t reach to have a stroke.

 

A British pilot flies a bombing raid over Afghanistan, he drops his bombs and starts to head back to base over the border when he sees a man on a flying carpet. He has got loads of ammunition left so he strafes it and shoots it down. He continues flying and is nearly back to base when he sees another flying carpet with a man sitting on it. So he shoots it down. When he gets back to base he tells his wing commander what ha has done and he replies, “You bloody fool you, those were Allied Carpets.”

 

A lorry driver is quietly driving along when he sees a nun walking at the side of the road. He pulls over and asks her if she would like a lift. She replies that she would and climbs up into the cab. They start chatting and the nun says that she has never kissed a man before. The lorry driver asks if she would like a kiss and she says yes but only if he is a Catholic, a virgin and is not married. The lorry driver says that he is all three and suggests that they climb into the back of the cab where it is more private. So they do and have a real good snog with tongues as well. Then afterwards when they are driving along again the lorry driver says that he has a confession to make. He is not a Catholic he is a Protestant, he has got three children and is married. The nun replies that she has a confession to make as well. She says, “I’m not a nun at all. My name is John and I am going to a gay fancy dress party.”