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Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800
to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to
the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at
the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
 A sales
rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when
they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The
Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
 A
turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there
in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Lesson 7
A man was a little off colour so his body parts held a discussion
to decide what to do about it. The blood was first to speak and said,
"Without me to circulate oxygen, blood sugars for the cells and help
fight diseases the man would die very quickly, so I should be in
charge."
The stomach speaks up next and says, "Without me to digest his food,
he would die very quickly, so I should be in charge." The
mans legs speak up next and say, "Without us the man couldn't run to
hunt animals or even pick berries to eat and would soon starve. So, we
should be in charge." The pair of eyes
quickly point out that without them the man couldn't hunt either and would
have difficulty doing anything without help. The
rectum was the last to speak saying that he was the most important, but as
he started to speak all the other body parts started to laugh, so he shut
down and refused to do anything. Within a few hours the man started to get
more and more uncomfortable until he was blown up like a balloon and was
very poorly. So all the other body parts held a crisis meeting and agreed
that the rectum was the most important and should be in charge. Moral
of the story;
It doesn't matter what you do in life it is always the Arse Hole that is
in charge!
Lesson 8
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... 
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned. 
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse containing
her license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Moral of this story ----- Don't Mess
With Old Ladies
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