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 When the
husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in
the papers, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not
gonorrhoea."
The widow replied, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was"
This one was given to me by my nurse who is due to retire
later this year!
 A woman went
into hospital to have a fanny tuck. After the operation she received 3
cards while she was recovering. One was a get well card from her husband,
one a card from the surgeon and a 3rd, which was a thank you card, from
Eric, on the burns unit thanking her for his new ears.
When
I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to
me every morning and then
gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshy ground
coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She went on, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite
biscuits and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said again, "Well, why are you crying?"
She continued again, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then
makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live.
 One
day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a
doctor."
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike
replied
, "There's
a diagnostic computer at the Supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes
ten seconds and only costs five pounds, it’s a lot quicker and better
than a doctor".
So Jack collected a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the
Supermarket. He deposited five pounds and the computer lit up and asked
for the urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejected a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some
tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to the Supermarket, eager to check what would happen. He
deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer printed the following:
-
Your
tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
-
Your
dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
-
Your
daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
-
Your
wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
-
And
if you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never
get better...
Thank
you for shopping at this Supermarket.
 Two
elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabels ear and she said, "Mabel,
did
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and
stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now
I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Things
you can get away with saying only at Christmas.
1:
I prefer breasts to legs
2.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3.
Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4.
If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5.
I've never seen a better spread!
6.
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
8.
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9.
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10.
Don't play with your meat.
11.
Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will
go.
12.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these
people at once?
13.
I didn't expect everyone to come at the same
time!
14.
you still have a little bit on your chin.
15.
How long will it take after you put it in? .
16.
you'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17.
Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18.
That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19.
I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all
morning.
Sean Connery
Sean
Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite
being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla
Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went
off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But
if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll
have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer
bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results
this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have
a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin
yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really
stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all
Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma
wallet !"
 I have
been making a bird table and was ready to assemble it the other day. I
needed some way of securing the upright post to the base and I thought a
dowel joint would be too difficult so I decided on putting a large screw
threw the base and up into the post. The next morning I went into the
local hardware shop and saw a man and a woman behind the counter. I asked
the woman, "I want a long screw please." The man murmered under
his breath, "Don't we all dear," and gave me a funny look.
The lady assistant said, "How dare you," and slapped my face.
After I had regained my composure I turned to the man and repeated my
request. "I want a long screw please. About 6 inches will do nicely.
Have you got one that long?"
The man winked at me, gave me a funny look and said, "I think I've
got one that long." I made some comment, quickly left and went to
B&Q.
 A
man started work at a butchers and had to see a doctor. The doctor asked
him what was wrong and the man said, "Doctor I keep wanting top put
my dick in the bacon slicer."
The doctor said, "We can't have that, take these tablets and see if
they take away the urge. Come back and see me next week and tell me how
you got on."
The man thanked the doctor and went back the next week and the doctor
asked him if he still had the urge.
The man said, "Yes doctor the tablets did not help. I couldn't
resist, I put my dick in the bacon slicer."
The doctor said, "Oh my God. How is your dick?"
The man replied, My dick is fine but the bacon slicer isn't, she got the
sack."
I
spent the day at a village fete on a stall in the summer when it was quite
hot. When I looked at my watch I saw that I was developing a rash on my
wrist round my metal watch. My mother is allergic to steel so I though I
was developing a similar allergy. I then bought a pocket watch to avoid
the problem. My friend pointed out that if the metal pocket watch had the
same reaction through my trouser pocket it might prove to be embarrassing
if I had to go to the doctor!
What
did the elephant say to the naked man?
How
do you drink with that?
AN INTERESTING STORY, WHICH EVERYONE
SHOULD KNOW............
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he
followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother,
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the
woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her blouse.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane..
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her blouse.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then
Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral:
'Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before
you interrupt' !!!
 Two
men were standing outside a pub and one says to the other, "I fancy a
pub crawl but I have got no money. Have you?"
The second man replies, "Only £1 but that won't buy much."
The first man says, "I know how we can get drunk on that £1. Go to
the butchers down the road and buy the biggest, fattest sausage you can
get for £1."
His mate runs off and comes back with a sausage and then the first man
beckons him into the pub. They go up to the bar and the first man orders 2
pints with whiskey chasers. The second man says, "How are we going to
pay for them?"
The first man whispers to him, "Drink up quick and then do as I
say." They gulp down their drinks before the bar man has time to ask
them for the money and then the first man puts the sausage down his
trousers and undoes his zip. He whispers to his mate, "Get on your
knees and put the sausage in your mouth."
The second man does this and then the bar man sees them, "You dirty
buggers, you can't do that in here, get out of my pub and don't come in
here again."
The 2 men run out without paying and when they are outside the second man
says, "That was great, let's do it again." So they try the same
trick at another pub and it works again. After the tenth pub the second
man says, "I am too pissed to get on my knees again and I can't run
anymore."
The first man replies, "Yes, I am pissed as well and its a good job
because I lost the sausage about 3 pubs ago."
A woman goes to the doctors. She is not
very bright but has a lot of children. "Doctor," she says,
"I have ten children and I really must not have any more because we
can't afford it. What can I do?"
The doctor carefully explains about contraception and gives her a packet
of condoms. He says to her, "Put one of these on his organ before you
have sex."
She tells him that she will and leaves. 3 months later she goes back to
his surgery and says to him, "Doctor these condoms don't work."
The doctor asks her, "Did you do as I said?"
"Yes doctor, you told me to put one on his organ before sex. Well we
don't have an organ so I put one on the piano but they did not work."
Why are the marketing slogans for Ice-cream
and condoms very similar?
The Ice-cream slogan is "Stop me and buy one."
The condom slogan is "Buy me and stop one."
 A
farmer is moving a herd of young cows down a country lane and causes a
queue of traffic to build up. A woman driver at the front winds down her
window and shouts at him, "Hurry up and move those cows please, I
have an appointment to get to."
The farmer shouts back, "B*ll*cks."
"There is no need to be rude about it," says the woman.
"I wasn't," replies the farmer, "These beasts are young
bullocks, not cows."
A farmer has a number of driving lessons
and then takes his test. He is doing very nicely in the test when the
examiner asks him, "Can you make a U-Turn?"
"Yes laddy," replies the old farmer, "I can make a ewe
turn, I can even make her eyes water."
A ventriloquist goes into a pub and starts talking to an old
farmer. The ventriloquist thinks to himself "I'll have a little joke
with this old man." So he says to the farmer "Do you mind if I
talk to your sheepdog?"
The farmer replies "Yes of course but he won't say much," and
chuckles to himself. The ventriloquist says to the dog, "Does your
master look after you?" Then he throws his voice to make it sound as
if the dog is talking and says, "Yes, he feeds me well and takes me
for a nice walk every day."
The farmer says, "That is amazing. In all the years that I have had
him he has never talked before."
The ventriloquist says, "I have a way with animals. Can I come to
your farm and talk to some of the other animals?"
 The farmer looks
surprised but agrees so the pair walk to his farm. Then the ventriloquist
sees a horse and asks it "Does your master look after you?" Then
he throws his voice with a different accent and says, "Yes , he feeds
me lots of nice hay and oats and takes me for a gallop
occasionally." The farmer scratches his head and says,
"That is amazing, he is 15 years old and I have never heard him talk
before."
The ventriloquist sees a pig in the farmyard and throws his voice again,
then he sees some sheep in the field next to the yard and strolls across
to the fence. He is just about to hop over it when he sees an expression
of horror on the farmers face. The farmer shouts out to him, "Don't
listen to those sheep they are terrible liars. I have not done anything to
them!"
The following are extracts from
complaints letters received by the council from tenants;-
-
I wish to report
that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think that it
was the wind the other night that blew them off.
-
My lavatory seat
is cracked. Where do I stand?
-
I am writing on
behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
-
Will you please
send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it
yesterday and now she is pregnant.
-
I request
permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
-
50 per cent of
the walls are damp, 50 per cent have crumbling plaster and 50 per cent
are plain filthy.
-
I am still
having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
-
The toilet is
blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
-
Will you please
send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to
drink.
-
Our lavatory
seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
-
It's the dog
mess I find hard to swallow.
-
Our kitchen
floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please
send someone round.
-
I am a single
woman living downstairs. Would you do something about the noise made
by the man on top of me every night.
-
I have had the
clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no
satisfaction.
-
This is to let
you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
-
The man next
door has an unsightly erection in his front garden.
-
He's
got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take
it anymore.
-
I
want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
-
I
wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his
back passage.
-
And
their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
-
I
want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
-
Please
send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
-
My
bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus
growing in it.
 When
Freddie Mercury died and went to heaven he went in through the Pearly
Gates and was welcomed by St Peter who showed him around. St Peter pointed
to different people and said to Freddie "Up here everybody has to
wear a cross. If you notice they are all different colours. You wear a
blue one if you died of suffocation, a yellow one if you died of
pneumonia, a spotted one of you died of measles and a black one if you
died of the plague." St Peter continues "And what did you die of
Freddie?"
Freddie replies "I died of Aids."
St Peter scratches his head and says "I don't think I know what
colour cross to give you. I'll look it up in the book." He does and
can't find a reference to Aids, so he asks Jesus. Jesus says "Give
him a red cross."
St Peter says "That's new to me. We've never had any body up here
with the Red Cross before."
The chief sales manager in this big superstore takes a new recruit
on one side and says to him "You will have to learn how to sell
things if you are going to get on here. You have got to approach the
customers and try and sell them other things besides that which they came
in for. Watch me when the next customer comes in. I'll show you how to
sell." A customer walks through the door and the salesman approaches
him "What can I help you with sir?"
"I want a little bit of grass seed because my lawn is patchy."
"Certainly sir. This big box will work out cheaper than the small one
if you have got several bare patches."
"All right." the customer replies. "I will have the bigger
one"
The sales man then says "It will make the seed easier to spread if
you mix it with a bag of silver sand."
"Yes that is a good idea." says the customer "I will have a
bag of that as well."
Then the sales man says "When the seed comes up you will want some
food for it to make it grow. How about this box of lawn food?"
"Yes fine." says the customer.
The sales man delivers the coup de grace and tells the customer, "You
will want to mow the new grass as soon as it is up to make it thicken out
and we have an offer on this particular lawn mower. This week end only it
is half price at £200. It is a very good buy and will last a life
time."
"Go on then," says the man, "I'll take it."
After he has gone the sales man says to the trainee sales. "You see
that man only came in for a packet of grass seed and I had nearly £250
off him. See if you can sell a lawn mower to the next customer."
 A man comes in and
asks for a packet of jam rags. The junior sales says to him "Do you
want the ordinary ones or the de-lux?"
"I'll have the better ones," replies the man.
Then the sales lad asks "Would you like the small pack of 10 or the
economy pack of 50?"
The customer says "I will take the big pack please." The senior
salesman nods his head in approval of the junior. "Good work,"
he whispers.
Then the sales recruit says to the customer "Can I interest you in a
lawn mower sir?"
"What makes you think I would want a lawnmower young man?"
"Well you might as well cut the grass in the evening because you
certainly won't be doing any thing else this weekend!"
My wife was in the chemists the other day and saw some flourescent
condoms for sale so she bought a pack. "Shall we try one out
tonight?" she said.
"OK," I replied. When we got home we did some work around the
house and then had an early night. We both got ready for bed, my wife got
into bed and I needed to go to the toilet. I said to her "I will be a
little while because I need a crap." When I had finished on the
toilet I put the flourescent condom on and went into the bedroom. Much to
my disgust my wife had gone to sleep while she was waiting for me so I
thought I am not going to let this go to waste. I got into bed and pulled
the covers over my head and read my book by the light of the condom.
 A woman takes
a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old
son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to
watch. The woman's husband also comes home so, she puts her lover in the
closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little
boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
The boy says "I have a baseball bat."
The man says "That's nice."
The boy says "Want to buy it?"
To which the man says "No, thanks."
Then the boy says "My dad's outside."
The man pauses and says "OK, how much?"
The boy says "$250"
A couple of weeks later it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
The boy says "Dark in here."
The man says "Yes, it is."
The boy says "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
The boy says "$750"
The man says "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
baseball glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball bat and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you
to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door. The little boy says, "Dark
in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh#t again, you're in my closet
now."
 An
85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, it's like
this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yes. None of us could get the jar open.
Below is a copy of a letter
that won a competition in the UK as complaint letter of the year...have a
laugh and read on.
Dear
Cretins,
 I
have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -
an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The
rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six
weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%...
hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut
off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to
an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish
robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you
are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other
dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially
important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far
more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to
shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I
continue. I thought BT were poop, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to
my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest
that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
 A
guy was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter
to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You
f***ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man at the back of the courtroom, and
said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this
crime, but
I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge
you with contempt of court! Now what is the problem?"
The guy at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
Years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow
a F***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
My niece was out
walking with her two children when a man came up to her and said “Are
the children twins?”
She
looked surprised and said “No, of course not, the little boy is 7 and
the little girl is 5. They don’t look like twins do they?” She asked.
“Well
no,” He said, “But you are so ugly I did not think any man would want
to have sex with you twice.
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